Today is harder

Today is harder. Today things are more real. The reality of long days spent with just my kids for the next couple weeks induces a sort of claustrophobia. There’s no escape. No one to babysit, no one to provide relief. I know that Brooks will go to school soon and then it will just be Mia and I during the school day. I want her in a daycare program at least part time as I firmly believe in the power of quality early childhood education but the idea of those empty hours scare me too. There are only so many books I can read, only so much online shopping to be done. Then I quickly think of the things I could do – gym, take a language class, etc. the list is really endless. So is my rotation moving between both extremes.

My mom said that she was doing fine until she found Brooks’ ugly little blue eyed wolf thing. (It matches Mia’s ugly little dog.) I think she lost it then. My father-in-law said that he made an iMovie of all of Mia’s pictures and watches daily. Daily, it brings him to tears. My tears come at those points, too. In the moment I can focus on my frustration that Brooks NEVER listens! Or that I can’t understand what Mia wants. It’s a great, but claustrophobic, distraction.

I have a tendency to pre-mourn things. Brett says that I automatically jump to the negative emotion but I think it’s a way of self-preservation. If I mourn when I get the news vs when it comes to taking action, I’m better emotionally prepared when the time comes for the doing. I didn’t do enough pre-mourning for leaving family and friends that are like family. Maybe because I’ve never had to? It’s hard. Technology is awesome. I don’t know how people did this before Facetime and texting/email but the time difference makes those things a bit challenging.

Let me include the caveat that I am EXHAUSTED. I stayed up late reading a book last night and didn’t sleep well. Mia is refusing the accept the time change and has been inconsolable from 7-10PM every night.

Also, I know this seems over dramatic. I know that I haven’t even been here a week. I know that moving to a new place, a new culture, necessitates giving yourself time to adjust and being patient while doing so. It seems to take about 6 weeks for me to come to terms with and get a handle on the new reality of a big change. After 6 weeks of a new baby, things get easier. Six weeks with new students, 6 weeks with a new team, 6 weeks in a new home, 6 weeks after Hurricane Harvey – it all seems to get easier after 6 weeks.

In the meantime, I’m doing my best to be present and focus on the incredible fortune I have to see this place with my own eyes. I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s almost a music to the wind when it moves through these big trees. It’s soul soothing. It would be so peaceful if Brooks would just stop talking!

Hazelhead Park
August 1, 2018