My heart hurts

I’m alone at the moment. It might be the first time that I’ve been totally alone since Brett came home. I was/am so excited to have him home but his return meant that our move is imminent -this dark, looming hole that I cannot see the bottom of.

For the longest time it’s just been something that I would think about later. I’ve been working really hard at just being present in the moment and I guess I’ve been doing a good enough job of that to keep these immense feelings of sadness at bay.

I slipped though.

I was upstairs packing Mia’s bag alone. That was probably my first mistake. I lovingly folded all of the little jeggings and tights and sweaters that I’ve purchased over the last couple of months so that she will have something besides her rolls to keep her warm. Someone once told me that they thought in words. That’s bizarre to me. I’m definitely a picture thinker. The picture that came to mind was Mia saying goodbye to her grandparents. She’s been working hard at saying “bye-bye” and can usually string it together with the person’s name. I pictured her saying it and trotting off to join us – not understanding that she would be saying goodbye for a long time. I pictured the look on her grandparents’ faces as she was loaded into the car knowing they wouldn’t get as many hugs as they’ve become accustomed to getting.

The image broke my heart.

I’m so sad right now that I’ve stopped packing and organizing and cleaning. I had to sit down and write how I was feeling. I hope that I can look back on this post and think that I was so crazy for feeling this way. Just like we did on the most recent girls weekend when we looked at a picture of us in bathing suits from my graduation weekend. We all protested the picture at the time – swearing that we were so fat! Now with our 30-something eyes we know that we looked DAMN good. I hope that’s the experience I have with this situation. I hope I look back at this and am angry with myself for wasting time on feelings of sadness, fear, and loss.

I know that tons of grandparents live far away from their grandchildren. And tons of kids live far away from their parents. I know that it’s probably better that Mia doesn’t realize how long it will be before she sees her extended family again – it won’t hurt her like it will hurt Brooks. Brooks is nuts and super active and he doesn’t listen but he has the most tender little heart. He’s going to miss his grandparents so much! I know that this isn’t an emotional death sentence. I know that this move isn’t forever. I know that we’ll come back and family and friends will come to Scotland. Logically, I know all of this. But my heart isn’t listening. Not today at least.